donut empire

Today is my last day in the office.

…Until next month, of course. I won’t be around the whole of next week as I will be attending a course, of course (ha-ha lame). So, before I leave, I would like to take this opportunity to welcome everyone from my Uni who will be joining me here! I heard that the new batch will be in next week. Yessss, the more the merrier, please. And let’s show ‘em that our beloved Uni is capable of producing excellent, outstanding graduates. I think we should always support each other and form a solid presence here as a team. Individual performance tu, subjective lah kan. If I could offer my one ringgit worth of ‘advice’, I would have to agree with Neesa on the issue of arrogance. Honestly, I don’t see the point in intentionally bragging or being stuck up about the fact that you are big or mega-important, even if you actually are big (not literally please) and mega-important and indispensable. Sometimes we unintentionally sound like we’re showing off, and some people can’t really tell the difference unless of course, if you’re among friends, then they would know that you’re not showing off but you’re just explaining something or sharing your knowledge with the rest (hmm, sounds like a personal experience huh?). But then again, whether you’re arrogant or not is subjective, like many other things in life and judging somebody has always been a subjective matter. However, sometimes you can just tell. There’s just a different air about that person that tells you that look, everything’s not like how it used to be. Seriously, I don’t get the point of being so hidung tinggi just because you go to Court? Or just because now you’re doing murder trials? Or just because you’re on the bench and have a big room to yourself unlike other commoners who sit in cubicles?(macam ada element bitter di situ) Or just because you go to Parliament? (eh, how can I kutuk myself???) You get my point.

I’m sure once we’ve gained enough knowledge and experience, we have the ‘right’ to be a little more authoritative over the younger ones. And after all, the experience will come with a higher post and bigger responsibility. But until and unless we’ve reached that level (which will take years), I don’t think it’s fair if we were to start acting superior to our own friends and colleagues. I know it’s easy to forget yourself once you’re given so much power and control and it can be overwhelming, but at the end of the day, you won’t gain anything from it. It’s okay to be proud of what you do, I’m proud of what I do, we’re all proud people as we’ve worked hard and we deserve some credit but not to the point of forgetting your surrounding. Everything’s temporary and nothing is ever certain. You don’t know where you’ll go next or what you’ll be doing so it’s nice to be able to acknowledge the fact that there’s a lot more that you can learn and discover! I need to remind myself all the time or else I’ll forget and have my ‘moments’ too. :)

On a different note, he promised to be back on my birthday so I’m looking forward to next week. Gosh, I have been a good girl for a month! There are so many things to talk about, so many things to discuss, so many places to go, so many movies to watch, so much food to eat, so many love vows to be exchanged and tears to be shed at the end of his trip. Haha. So far, I think I’m handling it quite well. I deserve a pat on my back. I am a super woman indeed!

Ooooh, I can't wait! :)

repetition of fb

See, see, focus on my plate please! Bukti I ate a little je... (but that was only the first round hehe)

Nia and Adam!

Ok, time to play!

Explaining the rules to Kak Fiena.

Macam nak buat exam pun ada kan?

Pass the pacifier!

Charade.

Uh oh, please don't attack me girls, 'anakku Sazali' tu tak susah la! The girls are serious,

macam la menang 1 million.

Everyone!

I'm hiding half my size behind Kak Anis

Nia: Eiii so rimas la with all of you...leave me alone!

baby shower #2

When will we ever be thankful for what we have? When will anything ever be enough for us? Why am I complaining that four days are not enough? How many days do I need? Even if I’m given a month off, I don’t think I’d be satisfied. I mean, how can you ever get enough of holidays? Even I’m not as dorky so as to say ‘that’s enough lazying around, I want to go back to work’. So I really can’t imagine the type of person who’d prefer work over holidays. Anyway, this is so annoying. This – writing about this is annoying. So typical. I mean, obviously we’ve got to earn our money from somewhere! As much as we would like to believe otherwise, money does not grow on trees. Boy, if money does grow on trees, then we’d all be a lot more aware of our environment. I’d call myself an environmentalist anytime! But anyway that’s not the point. This is life. We graduate, we work, we complain, we work, whether we like it or not, we have to work. There are jobs more depressing than this, so let’s be grateful that at least, despite everything, we are working in an air-conditioned office, with great facilities, superb internet connection and earning a decent pay. Now that’s better. By the way, I’ve noticed that I write like as if I’m talking to myself. I demotivate myself and then I motivate myself. I contradict myself every one minute too. And why do I like to use the word ‘we’ instead of ‘I’? Like as if I’m writing on behalf of the entire world.

Ok, news. Kak Rinie’s baby shower was on Saturday. I understand that it is not in our culture to organize a shower. But so far, the baby showers that I have attended are all pretty harmless. In fact, I don’t know what is it that one can do at showers that would be considered as…too Western, perhaps? For me, it is a great opportunity to gather our closest friends and while we nibble on some food, we’d get to play games in between. And there’s nothing wrong about the games too, because it’s just like any other game that you play at a children’s birthday party. Plus, it would be a great moral booster to the expecting mom-to-be. You know how wonderful it is to be surrounded by your loved ones and getting all the attention and presents. A mom-to-be must stay positive and happy and this is just one of the ways to help her. On top of that, it has always been an all-girl affair. So, yeah, I think it’s all good.

I helped her organize the shower and basically, I was in charge of the whole thing on that day. Despite the fact that the shower started later than the scheduled time, at the end of the day I think (and I hope) that everyone had fun playing all the silly games. Games such as; transferring cotton balls into a plastic bag (it’s much harder than it looks, some couldn’t even put one in the bag!), parents-to-be alphabet game (which requires a little bit of thinking), passing a pacifier using straws (pacifier tu heavy, straw tu light, so go figure!) and lastly, an all-time favourite, charade with a baby-related theme! After all the games were played and prizes were given out, it was time to open the presents. Phew. It was so much fun but so tiring as well. I think I slept super early that night. Haha.

I had a nice, fulfilling weekend. However, I am still waiting for him to come back for everything to be complete. :)

song a sing

Within the span of two and a half hours, we managed to have lunch and sing our hearts out. Yeap, we karaoke-d during lunch hour. It just doesn’t seem right kan, but that’s what we did. And I laughed so, so, so, so, (really, there are not enough SOs to describe it) hard. Oh my God, they’re so funny and I was funny and we’re all so funny. For the life of me I cannot sing. And I mean it. Just exactly how bad is my voice? Well, my brother has threatened to kill himself if I ever sing in public again, nobody has managed to figure out whenever I hum a tune with the hope of finding out the title of a particular song, my boyfriend cracks up every single time I sing in the car (and it’s a tried-tested-guaranteed way to make him laugh) and people usually laugh when I sing like as though I’m on stage doing stand-up comedy. But of course, I have never taken those reactions seriously. Because honestly, I don’t think my singing is all that bad *ehem* even though earlier on I admitted that I cannot sing. Yes, I may not be able to sing that well but at the same time I’m not exactly tone deaf either. So maybe I sing like as though I’m reading, maybe I pronounce each word too clearly, maybe I know neither head nor tail about the techniques but I still enjoy a good karaoke session and I’m a good sport! Today was so much fun but now I’m exhausted and sleepy.

Long weekend ahead! Ahh, happiness. You have no idea how much a long weekend break means until you’ve started working. I’ve always taken weekends for granted because when we were students, everyday was not much different from weekends. But now, my spirits and optimism shoot up by 150% on weekends. So, so precious. I have a few things to do over the weekend, but it’s not a chore kinda do. It’s more of a fun kinda do. Ohh, and Happy Chinese New Year to my late grandma’s relatives all the way in Penang and Kedah. (Haha, macam la they read my blog). When I was staying in Penang with my grandparents, we used to visit her relatives and I would always wear a new cute cheongsam. Ah, I was so cute. Haha. And I would get ang pows and oranges and ohh, fish-shaped mini orange cakes yang tak dapat dilupakan until today. I told you, I am crazy about cakes as much as I’m crazy about handbags. It would really make me happy if I get a cake – slice or whole and even the sight of delicious-looking cakes can lift up my mood. I feel like burying my face in the cake. Haha. A few birthdays ago, my birthday cake was shaped like a handbag. Perfect combination, two of my favourite things in the world. Who says you can’t have your handbag and eat it too?

So anyway, happy cuti everyone. And a reminder to myself - Behave. Relax. And don’t lah stress and take everything too seriously...

Be optimistic, don't you be a grumpy, when the road gets bumpy, just smile smile and be happy. Your troubles can't be as bad as all that, when you're sad as all that, no one loves you, be optimistic, don't you be a mourner, brighten up that corner, and smile. Don't wear a long face, it's never in style, be optimistic and smile. :)

Although it can be easier said than done sometimes.

middle of the week

I am so relieved. A few files off my shoulder for now. No more coming to the office and researching on lawnet first thing in the morning. More coming to the office and taking my own sweet time to check my e-mail, walking to C6 for some yummy breakfast, well, basically more time to be intellectually rotting away. *shudders* Nahh, it's not like I'm down to zero things to do. But now I have more time to do it as it's not urgent. Ehh, why am I justifying myself to any of you? Dah dah.

You know, I think somebody should really consider my plea seriously. I wrote about this whether directly or indirectly a few times already! It's friggin' cold out here in the cubes! (re:cubicle). Even though we are all placed in the cubes, we're not eskimos! My eye socket hurts (??) and I feel like there's ice in my head. I can even hear it crackle when I twist and turn my head for some warmth. Will it help if I wear that long black stocking/tights thing (no, not pantyhose, too thin) ala ala prep school? Over pulak kan. Hmm, I just need a warm room please.

Of course like many others who are working, I am looking forward to the long weekend. Minus the fact that he won't be here, which automatically dampens my spirit by 80%, I can't wait to wake up late. By 'late', I mean 9 a.m. Ha-ha, I know, I'm such a dork kan. But for me, waking up after 8 is a privilege so it doesn't have to be 2-3 p.m. to be considered as a 'sleep in' for me. And I haven't had my favourite breakfast for a few weeks now, maybe I should give myself a treat for being such a brave little girl. Ooh man, it has been the longestttt few weeks ever.

Hmm, it's always like that kan? The moment you want something to happen, the moment you can't hardly wait, that will be the moment when the clock seems to stop moving and it is always pointing at the same number! Between the last time I checked the dates and today, barely one day has passed and I still have more than a week to go before February. And just like right now as I'm typing this, I'm contemplating on checking my pc for any kerosakan. Because I swear the time is exactly the same since 10 million hours ago. Lunch break is a good time to eat, nap, pray, talk on the phone, gossip...hmm, macam banyak je benda nak buat when I have only 1 hour! And that is when the 60 minutes will fly by like a jet plane. It's natural. Macam the moment you switch lanes, your lane would be the slowest - be it at a toll booth, traffic jam, fast food counter. Haih. Obviously this post doesn't have a 'theme' or 'topic'. But it's not because it's 'just today' but generally, I don't really have a theme or concept to this blog. It's chacha marba. So, there's no flow, no continuation, no introduction, no conclusion.

There's nothing wrong with an abrupt Bye! :)

baby shower #1

Cutie pie Nia getting to know her future mom in law

Nia, please look at the camera!

Ok, let's look at that camera

Hold up! (antenatal class with the pro) Btw, Aimee's wayyy overdue. Lol.

Look, I really think I need to go to the hospital.

Ahh, but wait, my baby can spare a minute or two...

*pats tummy*

Ermm, masa ni dah takde balloon tau..

Yesterday was Meq's baby shower. It was a simple do but still as fun as ever. I have a few pictures from yesterday. The more embarrassing ones are with Ajee or Irma. Pictures of us trying to make the cutest baby out of chewing gums, sniffing 'dirty' diapers, blindfolded and twirled to the point of dizziness, putting balloons underneath our shirts to be instantly 8 months pregnant and many more. Can't wait to do it again this Saturday for Kak Rinie's baby shower. We will have different games, of course and hopefully Nia will not go back so early!

it's his birthday!

On your birthday, I have tried to find the perfect song, the perfect poem, and the perfect words to explain how special you are to me. Inevitably, I have failed. I couldn’t think of one song that would best describe my feelings for you, not even the greatest love poem ever written could truly reflect what’s in my mind and I am not good with words. I am left with only this – a humble space, a chance to write.

Today, my entire world celebrates your existence. For you have given my life a new light. You have brought happiness, no doubt. But you have also taught me a lot of things, I’ve discovered and learned. I have never met anyone who could see so many great qualities in me, that even I have not seen. You find me amusing – my words and actions constantly amuse you. You find me clever and wise – even when I don’t have answers to everything. You find me ‘still as thin as ever’ – when we both know I have put on weight. But that’s not the point. Ultimately, you find me perfect for you – and you’re perfect for me too. In a lot of ways that we both can’t explain, we fit perfectly well together.

I celebrate your honesty and loyalty. For you have brought hope into my life. A hope that there is such a thing as unconditional love. And, I celebrate your flaws because you celebrate mine. Because we not only accept and forgive the mistakes and shortcomings, but we know we’re working on ways to improve ourselves to be a better person for each other. I am more content now, because the whole force of the universe is coming together for me.

And now I want nothing more than to thank God for including you in my path, to seek His blessings, for our plans to materialize and finally, for our dreams to come true.

Happy 25th dear.

(Tick tock tick tock. Hehe)

busy bee

I have been extraordinarily busy since last week. Everyday, the moment I step into the office, I have things to do and it's all, one file after another, and another and another until I go home. I make it a point to finish as much work as possible before 5.30 p.m. because I don't believe in over-doing it. Already I'm mourning the absence of a special someone, I cannot afford to be all stressed out over work pula kan. But yeah, I have been really, really busy. And you know I'm really busy when I skip lunch and our usual gossip session in the 'big room'. By skipping lunch I mean, not eating lunch with the rest but I will still buy something from the cafe. Hehe. Just a few hours ago K.N called me and I was trying to emphasize on how busy I was, konon "Oh I'm really busy I can't go down, tengah buat kerja during lunch hour, tak lunch pun yadayada" and then he went like "Jangan tipu tadi I saw you dekat tempat donut". Oopss. But hey, a girl's gotta get her energy from somewhere!

This division is generally not an ultra-busy division but it depends on the season and which unit you're attached to. Being in a unit that handles constitutional matters memang the busiest and most tiring, but for me, the most interesting. But then again, I have never been in any other units before so it may be a little too early to judge. I have meetings back to back and some friends have even commented that I'm always in a meeting! It's kinda true, actually and I don't have time to return calls during the day. I'm getting a little bit sick of meetings actually but hey, one's gotta learn! And the meetings I have to attend are far from boring because you get to learn a lot and understand things better. Sometimes it's even scary and nerve-wrecking! Padahal it's not like I have to present anything but knowing that the attendees are all super-people, it's enough to make you feel a little intimidated. But I'm loving the exposure and appreciating the opportunity to learn while I'm still a junior juice.

-edited-

Meeting, meeting, meeting. There's another meeting tomorrow morning, and another next week. I am the queen of meetings now. I just want to go home and have a nice hot bath. Please do not disturb. Mmmm.

for (chee cheong) fun

My wishlist is divided into two categories.

Things money can buy:

1. Nokia E71 (I know all of you will be fighting to get me this one [ha-ha], but I might be getting this for myself, unless persuaded/influenced otherwise).
2. A return flight ticket to Penang, obviously, so that only the bridge would separate us and not 500 kilometres! (preferably MAS but AirAsia can be considered)
3. Any form of cash to be contributed to my PBF (phone bill fund).
4. Gift vouchers from Topshop, Starbucks or/and Delicious. Easy!
5. A good stationery set. Notebooks (I freaking love notebooks and I have the one from Starbucks already Jaja), pen, a nice-big-cool-adult-looking pencil box (is that what they call it these days?), colouring pencil is optional.
6. Manicure or/and pedicure package at a convenient place and that is valid for a year.
7. Spa treat
8. An office bag. Big enough to be a briefcase but feminine, two handles, preferably an optional sling and made of soft leather (or leather-like).
9. Coach lanyard card case (or any nice ones will do)
10. A big clutch (in any colour)
11. Books!!
12. DVD Bedtime Stories
    

Things money can’t buy:

1. Eternal love from my friends and family
2. Health and prosperity for all
3. More money (can money buy more money?)
4. Loyalty (haha)
5. Him being here or anywhere within the same weekend-zone, at least. (you do know our weekends are totally off kan?pffft)
6. He’s here for my birthday or just any time soon or better still, 24/7.
7. Happiness (it need not be overwhelming, just a moderate one will suffice)
8. Kerajinan and intelligence (so that I can be a good employee!)

I don’t expect anyone to pay serious attention to the list. But of course, you can always prove me wrong. :)

ps: I’m a bit loony right now so please understand. :)

show me the money

My hope of cutting down my expenses on unnecessary things (including any shopping expenditures) this year should might as well just make its way down the drain. I was living in my own lala land when on Monday, I went to the monthly assembly and the PM cautioned us that this year might not be such a good year (hoh, tell me about it!). And then Encik Obama had to top it all off by saying that the world may be facing the worst economic crisis since world war 2. So I thought, okay, no problem, I can stop buying things I don't need, I won't be badly affected, everything's going to be fine. Otherwise I would worry like an old grandma and panic! No, I'm not a physically panicky or gelabah or kelam kabut type (unlike some people ;p) but I'd have this constant worry at the back of my mind if I'm scared of something, which is of course, not a good thing. But while the economic situation is going down,down,down, something else is DEFINITELY going up,up,up! Yesterday, another truth hit me (ok I'm a bit slow in terms of reality. Give me fantasy or imagination, laju a bit). If I'm going to be in a LDR, then I would have to deal with a steady increase of my phone bill. So instead of using that extra money that I could have saved, I will be using it all to pay my phone bill. And although it hurts not using the money for clothes or something that I could see and touch and in other words, the money would just vanish in the air, I know that it's the price I have to pay. It's nobody's fault that the situation is as such. What's important for me is that we continue to communicate as much as possible because that's the closest we could get. It used to be the next best thing after spending time together but now, it is the best thing that could ever happen to me and there's nothing I look forward to more than our phone calls. Haha, padan muka somebody who used to loatheeee talking on the phone. :) But yeah, it's going to be expensive. I need to start having a chart or a plan or something to monitor this. Or else it can definitely go out of hand and silap haribulan, I might have to take up a loan to pay my bills! Erkkk.

On another note, it's exactly a month before my birthday. You can always email me if you want to know what I like. :)

some photos

A common sight - demonstrasi

Nasi padang

Es Teler yummyyyy

Don't be jealous

Pepper Lunch!

So berasap!

N Sechan

Sarah Sechan

Malique & d'Essentials! Or Malique and The Essence according to my mom.

2009,bring it on!

I don’t know what is it that God has in store for me this year but I sure do know that my new year definitely started off with something totally unexpected and new. I’ll elaborate more on that later.

First up, I enjoyed my week-long break tremendously. It was refreshing and rejuvenating to be away from the office once in a while. At one point I have conveniently forgotten that I’m working! I thought that I was on a mid-term break or something. Denial, is such a guilty pleasure. It was so so so nice not having to wake up early in the morning, drive along the same road, go through the same toll booth five-days-a-week. My short stay in Penang was worth it, as usual. We discovered a new place to eat, so friends, watch out, next time I’ll bring you guys there.

Jakarta was a new experience. (Not that I did anything adventurous). Personally (and I mean it in the truest sense of the word), I did not find Jakarta as exciting or interesting as some of the other places that I’ve been to. But that doesn’t mean all hope is lost on Jakarta. It is still unique. However, I didn’t quite enjoy the fact that all the malls are full of foreign brands and brands that we can find here in Malaysia. What’s the point in buying things that you can get here? Plus some of the items are more expensive over there. If you’re into kain and the likes of it, you’d enjoy Tanah Abang. By the way, if you go to Tanah Abang, the gedung kain is wayyy downstairs. So don’t be fooled by the other merepek shops that you see as you enter the building because my aunt went there and actually thought that that place tak jual kain when in fact that is THE place to buy kain. The designs are better in Jakarta BUT cheaper in Bandung. Kinda think of it, I enjoyed Bandung so much more mainly because of its ‘factory outlet’ concept. In Jakarta, everything’s either too expensive or too Chow Kit-like. No middle range goods. Or at least, I did not see any while I was there. Maybe I went to all the wrong places but it’s ok. My main aim was not to shop that much but to enjoy the trip and relax. And by relax I mean going to the spa q! At first we thought we’d scout around for a good spa place out of the hotel but then we checked out the hotel’s spa and the price wasn’t that bad either. Less than RM100 for a full body traditional massage – cheaper than Malaysia and that was in a 5-star hotel. So we saved the hassle of hailing a Bluebird cab and enjoyed the hotel’s facilities because it was reasonably priced. On the last day I did the usual creambath for RM50 but ohhh, the cream or whatever it is they put on my hair smelt heavenly and the smell lingered for a few days! It was a really nice scent I tell you, I wish I have a shampoo with the exact same smell! I couldn’t stop smelling my own hair. Hehe.

Oh and another highlight of the trip was the New Year’s Eve! We stayed exactly in the heart of the city where all the demonstrations are done (and there were demonstrations everyday while I was there, mainly due to the attacks on Palestine). But on New Year’s Eve the whole stretch of the road turned into Jalan Bukit Bintang. It was packed with so many people. So we celebrated New Year’s Eve in the hotel and guess what? Malique & d’Essentials performed right before my very own eyes. It was the hotel’s own celebration and guests were given the privilege to catch the show. The center of the beautiful lobby turned into a stage. I’ve always wanted to catch their performance and recently they came to Malaysia but I didn’t manage to catch that show. But that night, my dream came true! I couldn’t believe my luck. All in all, Jakarta has its pros and cons and there are some things better there than here (all I could think of is kain and spa). Otherwise, I would rather go to Bandung.

And back to what I wrote earlier, I never expected that God has better plans for me this year. After all, He is the Almighty and whatever He thinks is best for me, then I’m sure everything happens for a reason and if not to make me stronger, it is to make me more grateful for the things that I have. My boyfriend is working in Kedah right now. The news came too soon, I was caught by surprise. And he left without a proper farewell. All we had was less than 24 hours. The fact hasn’t really sunk in, I don’t know when will I wake up from this dream. Remember Mr.Denial? He’s my new best friend. I don’t think I need to tell you what I did over the weekend, you should know or else it’s like not knowing your ABCs. The morning that he left, I woke up crying like a baby. Suddenly it hit me that he’s not going to be around anymore to do the things that we love to do and more importantly, to protect me. Suddenly I had this urgency, I panicked. I choked up on my words and whimpered. I know a lot of people have done this before and they survived. My closest friends are going through it but I don’t know how you guys do it. Maybe like everything else, time will help heal the pain but knowing me (and if you know me), I’m not into long distance relationships. I just don’t know how to deal with absence and distance. But to be fair, I haven’t even been in one before so how would I know whether I can handle it or not? Maybe I’m stronger than this. Maybe I’ve underestimated myself. I should and must be able to handle it. I’m not a kid anymore, I have to learn to be in a mature, stable relationship. But no matter how many times I’ve tried to motivate myself, I keep having tears in my eyes at random hours of the day and so far I’ve managed to burst into tears every time he called. Brilliant, I’m so proud of myself. Oh hell yes, you’d be surprise how much of a drama queen I can be. Honestly, I really don’t care what others think of me. You may think I’m overreacting or exaggerating or annoying or weak or whatever. My feelings are my own and although I hate being too personal, I find writing therapeutic as always, especially sharing my sorrow with my friends. I am comforted by the fact that I have friends who have so much faith in me, who are so confident that I’m a strong person and that I’d be just fine. I also have friends who think I’m going to fall to pieces and probably cry myself to death but I really don’t blame them. Because sometimes I don’t even know myself and what I’m capable of. I need time to start believing that he won’t always be here physically. But of course I know we’re always together spiritually. The distance has opened my eyes on so many things. Realization, mostly. And looking at it from a positive angle, in this day and age when hundreds of thousands of people are being retrenched all over the world, at least Tuhan ada bagi rezeki to him. Rezeki kan tak elok ditolak. As I have faith in God, I have faith that this is all for the better. We’ll take it in our stride and start the year with a change that is so significant that the whole of this year’s plan will have to be reshuffled. Again, kita hanya merancang, Tuhan yang menentukan. That phrase has never been aptly used until today.

If my dear boyfriend is reading this, I want you to know that you’re the first face I see when I wake up in the morning and the last I think of before I go to sleep. Not counting all the hours, minutes and seconds in between when I think of nothing but you. You occupy the whole of my heart, the entirety of my being. Don’t you worry about me here even though I’m a drama queen. I will know how to take care of myself and I promise to be good. You do not have to worry about my loyalty because that, my dear, is my forte. I promise that I will take this opportunity to lose weight and when you see me again I will have only one chin. You will constantly be in my mind, in whatever I do, every step that I take. I’ll count the hours and the days before we meet again. ‘Til then, close your eyes and we’ll meet in our dreams.