a working mom's dilemma

Are you a working mom? Then you must be able to relate to the fear, anxiety, worries listed below. (And these are only a fraction of it…)

1. Have you ever felt inadequate?
2. Have you ever feared that your child might choose the caretaker over you?
3. Have you ever feared that your child will love you less?
4. Have you ever wondered whether the little time that you get to spend with your child (after office) is enough?
5. Have you ever thought that with such little time at hand on weekdays, would you be able to mold your child to become the person that you want your child to be?
6. Have you ever questioned your decision to continue working?
7. Have you ever been afraid of not witnessing her first step, hearing her first word?
8. Have you ever worried that your child will forget your face, your voice, your smell?
9. Have you ever felt pity towards your child for not having his/her mom around all the time as compared to some other children?
10. Have you ever felt guilty?
11. Have you ever cursed stay-at-home moms who complain about having to take care of their children?
12. Have you ever thought of ways to let your child know that he or she is loved even without your presence?
13. Have you ever justified to yourself that you are doing it (working) for the betterment of the family?
14. Have you ever missed your child so much at work you want to cry?

15. Ultimately, have you ever felt like you have not been a good mother?

Essentially, every mother wants to give her best to her children.

What if my best is not good enough because of this thing that I have called ‘career’? Ideally, one should look at it as a blessing – that it is great that one is employed, it is great that one is contributing to the household income etc. But unless one is an angel or a saint, one will not look at it that way most of the time. Most of the time, we feel like apologizing to our children. Or at least I do.

Sorry mummy’s got to go to work today. Sorry mummy’s coming home late. Sorry mummy’s got to do office work at home.

If we don’t apologize, what do we say?

Yeay, mummy’s going to work today so that means more money to buy toys for you! Yeay, mummy will be late so you can sleep with the Bibik. Yeay, mummy needs to do office work in the room so you go and play on your own?

It’s not in our nature to say things like that because we don’t feel that way. We don’t look at things that way. Mothers are very emotional people, in case you haven’t heard.

We’re always in a huge dilemma and we will continue being in this dilemma…until God knows when. The emotional and spiritual turmoil that one goes through is an endless cycle.

May Allah know every working mother’s good intentions and give His blessings. And may He guide us through it all and give us strength.

zombie

In the first few weeks following her birth, Maya’s feeding time at night was every two hours and a half. I didn’t have any complaints because I was on leave. And also perhaps I was just too excited to be a mom that I didn’t feel sleepy even during the day! Sometimes I napped but most of the time I didn’t nap at all! I was pushing my body to its limit, I guess.

When she was 3 months, she started waking up for milk every three hours. And by the time I had to go back to work, Maya’s feeding pattern was once at midnight, followed by a long sleep…and she would wake up again around 5.30am for her next feeding. I must say I felt pretty lucky. Perfect timing, girl!

But that was before she found out how to roll over. At first, she was still “malu-malu kucing” to roll over. It means that although she knew how to roll over, she didn’t just roll over anytime anywhere. Perhaps because it was something new to her so she had to get used to it first. At 4 months plus until now, she would actively toss and turn in her sleep. So whenever she gets herself in an uncomfortable position, she will wake us up with her cries. Now, we have no chance of not being interrupted at all in our sleep. At least once, every night, she would cry and we have to make sure that she gets into a better position. Sometimes it takes just 5 minutes. But sometimes, like last night, it took me from 3am to 6am just to put her back to sleep! If she’s sleepy and groggy, fine - she will cry and then fall back to sleep. If she is awaken by her own cries, is feeling perky and all ready to play, then be prepared to be a zombie the next day.

Like how I am today. By the time Her Royal Highness decided that she was bored and ready to sleep again, her maid-in-waiting (ie; Mummy) had to get up and get ready for work. Perfect timing! However, despite all the drama, I still left the house with a heavy heart when I saw her sleeping soundly, still kesian that she will be left with the maid, still felt like the worst mom in the world for not being around her 24/7. Nevertheless I must be thankful and feel lucky because I am not living on my own and I live with my parents and siblings. So at least, during the day she has her two cousins to play with, her grandparents, her aunty and uncles. I can’t imagine leaving her alone with just the maid. Or at a nursery. Thus, I must count my blessings. I am providing Maya with the best environment that I can provide so far. This is the best that Mummy can do sweetie!

Anyway, babies and their unpredictable sleeping patterns…it’s never ending! I hope she will get a hang of it (rolling over) soon…so that she wouldn’t be so surprised when she opens her eyes and realize that she’s already on her tummy. Although I must say that it can be very cute sometimes. It’s just that I will only appreciate the cuteness the next day – after the cooling off period. Haha. But you know I love you baby!!! :)

At 5 months

Many of Maya's pictures are in my husband's laptop...can I upload pictures from my phone? Maybe I'll try that one because I have hundreds of her pictures in my phone too. LOL. This one more to pictures of the parents than the baby lah. Hehe.

My cheeky baby!

pat-a-cake baker's man!

I’m not going to recap what has happened during my absence. Because I’m not the recap-ing kind and if I missed it, I missed it. But I bet you can guess what I’ve been up to for the last couple of months or so. YES, it’s all Maya Maya Maya.

Each day all I think about is her. If I’m in the office, I’d be thinking about what she’s doing at home and how I can’t wait to go back and play with her and hope that she wouldn’t be asleep yet. If I’m at home, well, I’d be playing with her or feeding her or putting her to sleep. If it’s a weekday I’ll be thinking about the weekend and all the activities we have lined up for her. And any time in between I’ll be thinking about the things I need to buy for her (as I’m typing this I’m already thinking about getting a new bath tub, bumbo chair etc…), her health and check ups, her clothes…EVERYTHING lah. It’s one after another, there’s never nothing to buy or nothing to think of.

I’m not complaining. I LOVE motherhood. But I’m just indicating that it’s very time and mind consuming. Of course let’s not even venture on the topic of finances. So the last thing that I feel like doing when I have some free time at hand is blogging.

Maya is five months and 3 weeks. She’s going to be half a year next week!! I’m so excited. No, I’m not going to throw her a half-year birthday party (I heard that it’s the trend now?). I’m just going to throw myself all over her until she gets rimas and scream. Hehe.

Ok so here’s the part where I gush about my daughter. Sorry, it’s just a mom’s thing. All of my mummy friends are crazy-obsessed-to-the-point-of-insanity with their kids. Regardless of whether it’s their first, second or third! The fascination never ends. So since Maya is my first, I am more than allowed to blog about her and only her.

I love watching her developments. From one (not so) tiny little helpless baby to this little person who knows what she wants. If she’s holding something that she likes and you try to take it away from her, she’ll hold it tight with both hands and resist your attempt. And if you win, you lose anyway because she’ll cryyyy. The problem is, the things that she wants are all NON-TOYS - her shoes, my handphone, the remote…things like that. So there has been a lot of mengada-ngada crying going on lately. A ‘mengada-ngada’ cry is the type where there are no tears, just an overly exaggerated facial expression. Another thing is that she knows which one is her Milky Milky so if she sees the bottle and she’s hungry, then you better put it in her mouth quickly or else, the drama begins. When Maya was smaller (1 to 4 months), she was definitely an easy baby to take care of. She’s the type who wouldn’t cry for no reason (some babies kan merengek and meragam). It was so easy to feed her, bathe her, put her to sleep. Tak payah dodoi pun she can just sleep on the bed on her own. Actually, she still IS a good baby,it’s still easy to feed, bathe her and put her to sleep but it’s just that she’s a whole lot smarter now so you can’t really mess up with her. Hehe.

Play time is becoming more and more of a two-way communication…She knows how to tease you…like if you pretend that you are ticklish when she touches your nose, she’d do it again and again and laugh. Her favourite cartoon is the all time classic Sesame Street. What else? Her baju raya has filled up half of her wardrobe. I keep telling myself not to buy anymore clothes for her but who am I kidding? Everytime I go out, more often than not, I’d get her something. I HAVE to buy her something, no matter how small.

So that’s basically what my life is all about right now. If you’re wondering how it feels like to be married and have a kid, well, isn’t reading this post enough to tell you or at least indicate to you how your life would change once you have a kid? Being married is one thing. Having a baby is another thing all together. It’s not the same. So if you think that you can handle being married, don’t assume that you can handle being a mom as well. Two. Separate. Things. Let’s just say, after almost 6 months, I am also still adjusting. There will be occasions of frustration, anger, disappointment…and of course, there will also be those rainbow-coloured, lollipop-filled days.

But one thing you’ll never feel, and this I can assure you, is regret.