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Saturday, November 17, 2007

I think there’s a very thin line between wanting to fit in and standing by your own principles. Most people cross the line without even thinking twice, foregoing the values their parents have tried so hard to instil. I stumbled upon something which I find very sad and disturbing. But then again maybe I’m the odd one out. Maybe I hold on to my principles too much that I tend to become rigid. Maybe I’m the only one who finds the phenomena disturbing. Maybe I’m the only one left on the other side of the line.

I’ve always admired people who are able to be themselves. People who are confident enough to be different (in a positive way) and to believe in what they think is right, despite what others have to say. There are certain things I wouldn’t do, simply because if I do those things I wouldn’t be me anymore. I’ve made a promise to myself and I shall keep that promise. I know what it feels like to have come so close to losing somebody who means the world to me. When you’ve been through that experience, you’d change, somehow. Because I know I did. I’ve witnessed the people dearest to me begging for second chances to live. And it was then that I realized that there’s so much more to life than what we think. From then onwards I try to put some meaning into my life. I don’t want to go through day by day doing things I don’t really want to do but I’ll do it anyway for the sake of fitting in. Not many people understand my reasons. I don’t bother explaining it to them either. The fear of losing is always there. I can never shake it off. For me, every second is precious. I’ll always have this paranoia in me. The what-ifs.

I have tons of fun my own way. I enjoy reading tremendously. I enjoy shopping with my girlfriends, my mom and sometimes, even on my own. I love going out with my best friends. We do 'romantic' things together. I love talking with the people I love – my friends, my family. Conversations could go on for hours. I’d get to know them better and vice versa. I’d rather spend time getting to know the people who make me smile everyday. I think life is all about loving others, whoever they may be. At the back of my mind I know that I have to let go a little, live a little. I’d lose them anyway even if I tried not to because it is beyond my control, isn’t it? Like my grandparents. I didn’t even get to say goodbye despite the fact that I could have, if I tried hard enough. My priorities were different then. My priority was to fit in, to make friends, to act cool and to pretend. And I live with that regret. (I should've spend that Saturday with her, but where was I? Out with people who doesn't even care about me) And thatis only part of the whole emotional turmoil I went through. I thought of everything I've said and done..and even some of the things that crossed my mind irked me. My priorities have changed a long time ago. But I only realized it when it was too late. Now I'm learning how to forgive myself.

I have no idea where this is going. Sorry. It just suddenly occurred to me that everyone should be allowed to live by their own principles. And nobody has the right to barge into someone else’s life and take those principles away. Just let them be. It doesn’t make them any less of a person than you are. Being different shouldn't hurt so much. Don't worry. Just be yourself.